Melody's

2003-07-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked in the mirror and stared at your face, remembering the days you were 18, wondering how you got to this place.

Recognizing every line and freckle, giving way to memories of pain and joy. Respectfully allowing time to be the dictator of your great void.

No longer a question of how, but perhaps many a "why". Moving forward is a must, forced by all the lies.

It wasn’t suppose to happen this way, my fairytale has come to an end. And I am left to question if it is caused by my sin.

So tonight the mirror speaks truth, telling me tales of the life I have lived. Bringing reality to all that is now and all that has been.

Is there life after death, I must die first to know. Is this game we call life all just a big show?

Strip down to transparency, the raw and unseen then I will believe. Until then let me live with my reflection and all its mystery.

Your answers mean nothing.

2003-07-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

There are some days that I drive for so long that eventually it is as if I am hypnotized, memorized by every dot that passes. I drive for hours not even realizing how I got from point “A” to Point “B”. Soon my eyes grow weary and I find myself wanting to fall asleep. The temptation is so great that I will even take a moment to close my eyes and feel the relief. At this point I usually will adjust the air, shake my head as if to try and jolt myself awake. I take a few Excedrin, drink my Starbucks coffee and pray I can keep my eyes open just long enough for the drug to kick in.

Yesterday… had I been driving… I would have kept my eyes closed.

I am currently at the end of my first “alone” time with out my five beautiful children. These two weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. Phone calls from kids wanting to come home, phone calls from kids wanting to stay longer, phone calls because Dad wont let them watch a certain movie, phone calls because Dad is kissing the new girlfriend he said he never had. Every phone call brings a challenge. Literally there were times where they would call me at work wanting me to come get them and I would run into my friends office and say… “What do I say?” To which my friend would calm me down and say, “well, ask why?” This would seem like a logical place to start, right? Well, the mommy’s heart does not always think with logic. The mommy’s heart wants to rush off and drive 8 hours to pick up my son. A son who is crying in my ear saying he wants to come home right now. Only to find out, his reason for this is, he was not allowed to do something he would not have been allowed to do even at my own house. Case closed… my son stays… and I don’t ride off on my white horse to rescue him and enable his rebellion…whew! Ahhh… the fine balance of teaching morals in the midst of immorality. Yeah, you give it a whirl… it sucks!

So for the sweet readers who only understand literal and missed my meager attempt at symbolism…put the phone down, no need to call the local hospital and order me to a straight jacket. Keep in mind, today is a new day, I did drive… and I decided to keep my eyes open.

~God my Father, my friend, my comfort... help me continue to want to keep my eyes open, even when I am too tired to see straight

2003-06-29T12:28:00.000-07:00

I have recently dropped off my kids for their visit with Dad. The grieving has begun and I am thankful. I believe I have felt grief on and off for the past almost year... but here I sit, alone for the first time in 13 years. I was going to go out with friends, then decided I wanted to do something I don't think I have done since I was 18... lay in bed for two days straight. It feels good to not do anything; it feels good to feel this pain and to reflect on the many different events of my life. Some days you just put yourself on auto-pilot and go... in this moment I have chose to slow down long enough to feel...and I am thankful for the weight that is on my heart.

Let me sit in these ashes
Let me tear off my clothes
Let me sit before you naked
Everything exposed
Let me question my God
Without you questioning me
Let time be my healer
Don’t try to rescue me

Let me see my failures
Let me feel this pain
Let me walk the tightrope
Fighting to stay sane
Let me hear the voices
Battling for my mind
Let me rise up from these ashes
Purified

2003-06-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

Sliding, sliding deep into my hole
Wondering if you will come
and finally take control

Is that sin, creeping over me?
Is my callused heart making me feel free?
Or is it religion that has bound me so tight
Where death is the beginning to bringing me life

Where living and dying finally collide
A realm I remember well
Where jumping the ledge can make you fly
This gift of pain inside my shell

I want to feel, I want to know, I want nothing to pass me by
I want to sit here all alone; I want to hear me cry
I need to touch the place unknown,
A place of privileged grief.
I want to stop and breathe it in.. as they turn and finally leave.

2003-06-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I am feeling good, so I thought I better blog while the moment is here. The roller coaster ride, from the events of this week, has been more than I expected. But now, with a little turkey in my stomach, that my sweet daughter baked, basted with olive oil, garlic and basil… (A staple for just about everything)… I am feeling pretty good. A lot of my blogs are birthed from sadness and a desire to just release, so at times I think it may appear I need Prozac, (not saying I don’t). So tonight, I attempt to type out a blog expressing that I am feeling pretty damn good.

I went to a movie with my sweet friends, their six kids, plus my five and I think we all agreed it was in the top 10 of all time worst movie nights. We bounced from Rugrats, to Kelly and Justin (stupid teen movie) and of course The Hulk, (which was very scary for younger ones). Yet in the end, amidst the chaos I had a GREAT time! To be with my friends, to laugh at ourselves and our crazy life, to chat in the car for an hour of things only mothers of HUGE families (they seem huge anyway) could possibly understand was such a joy to me. I left so thankful for what God has done. I often talk about God my provider, my husband… but last night I saw God my friend.

What a gift to be surrounded with friendships that are such rare treasures. My running and hiding, my duck and cover lifestyle, almost kept me in a box without friendship entirely. But thank God he removed me from my life of false protection and laid me bare, naked before people who could handle seeing me in such a state. Where would I be without my friends and family? I suppose still hiding? Still covering? Still alone…

And by the way… speaking of friends Eric makes a killer latte’… and this morning I walked in the office with my eyes puffy and zero energy and he whipped me and Kris some sort of triple vanilla latte' lager, as I like to refer to it, and I have been buzzin’ ever since. Now that’s a friend!

~~Thank you for my friends~~

2003-06-23T17:36:00.000-07:00

OHHH, the power of grief... My sweet son has just started to “manifest”. At first it was all about not being able to visit a friend. I had put him in time-out and he was not thrilled with this so he decided to kick, punch and throw things. Then suddenly he burst into the most heart wrenching sobs I have ever heard come from my little boy. “Mommy, I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to leave you”. I just held him and cried and cried with him. I know it is not the leaving that is breaking his heart, it is the reality that Mommy and Daddy no longer live together and that his family is broken.

I believe sometimes I type these things out in hopes that someone who has a decent marriage but struggling, and thinks divorce is the way, might stumble across this page and reconsider. Divorce really really sucks! And yes, God has been gracious in my life and he has provided in ways that I never dreamed possible. But I sit here tonight physically ill, ready to “toss-my-cookies” because I feel the deep pain of my children. There is a reason God hates divorce… and it is not just some religious reason. All boundaries are for our own protection, not just to ruin our fun.

I see marriages around me that are good and at time perhaps even great and I am jealous in the most beautiful way possible. How I desired this for myself… how I now desire this for my children.

~God, my Father, give to my children what has been a loss for me. May they have the love of their youth till the day they die. May they know true love. May their spouse be a reflection of you~

2003-06-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

WoW!! It has hit… loneliness has found its way to my heart today. I was actually doing fine. But two days ago, after I returned from Klamath Falls, Haven crawled in my lap for her morning cuddle. I felt it… the void. In just a matter of days my children will be gone. Not because I choose them to go, it is not some fun “see ya in a few weeks kids” as they traipse off to camp or a summer with Grandma. It is a visit of division. I am sure they will have fun and I pray they do. But it is the reality that I will be alone that is hitting me. I am actually typing this dripping wet because I was soaking in my tub, relaxing and there it came again… the wave of loneliness. I sat, crying in my bathtub, ( I have done this a lot through my divorce. It seems the bathtub is a great place to cry). And I decided to journal some thoughts to settle my tears.

I just, and I do mean just dropped off my son for his three-week stay in Klamath. The first week is with a friend camping and then he will be joined with his siblings to visit with their Dad for a couple of weeks. Then home for a week or two, then back to their Dads for four more weeks. I have to drive the kids half way, which is 3 ½ hours. I think what really really SUCKS about all this is… this is not my childhood fantasy! I did not picture myself divorced driving my kids to visit an ex-husband. I pictured, me married to my childhood sweetheart till I was dead! I pictured Christmases with all the grandkids with the man I loved from the beginning with the family we created together. I will never have this! I may remarry, but it will not be the same. It will be my children… his children… ex-wives… ex-husbands, YUCK!! Who wants this??? It is not my plan; it is not my fairytale! I do not want to be alone like this. I have always been one who enjoys a little time to myself, but when it is my choice… not when it is forced upon me.
My heart aches tonight, maybe because I miss my son, maybe because I realize that I will be alone for a long time to come? Maybe I am frightened what will take place in the hearts and minds of my children over the next three months? Maybe because I feel overwhelmed by the fact that even though my ex has not helped support this sweet family… he still has rights to them?

You know, there are days I feel like a tower of strength, that I know God is God and will see me through. Today is not one of those days. Today I feel alone, very alone. And a visit, a phone call, a card… nothing will help. It is the reality of where my life has ended up today and the not knowing of what might begin tomorrow.

Tears of joy
Tears of pain
Tears full of passion
Tears from a lonely stage
Tears of brokeness and shame
Tears from a holy place
My tears come in many shades

2003-06-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

Today is Wednesday June 18th, 2003. I have just returned from my two-day journey leading to the rest of my life. While traveling home I did journal by paper and thought that I would share my writing with you here. It was my raw emotions after just leaving court. I wanted to capture the myriad of emotions that flooded my mind. So here in type is what is actually on paper from yesterday………………………………………..

June 17th, 2003
Day of my Divorce
It is approximately 11am. We are sitting at the Klamath Falls air terminal for a flight that leaves in four hours. We are early to say the least. The feeling is, “Lets get out of this God forsaken town!” So instead of driving mindlessly around, we opted to just sit here, rest, read, write and basically enjoy the feeling of the whole ordeal finally being over.

I will begin my journey from the airport of Boise, Idaho. I believe it was during the take off, just as the plane levels out. I was looking out my window noticing the expansion of the Boise area. A wave of emotion washed over me as I realized what I was flying off to do. I remembered myself, just 9 months ago, driving out of Klamath Falls, in a broken down van with only my children and some clothing. Today I was flying back, with more security than I ever dreamed possible to finalize my divorce. I was filled with the assurance that the path I had chosen was the correct decision.

As we landed in Klamath, I did have some anxiety caused by the, “ what ifs” that creep into my mind now and again. But thankfully my sweet friend Kris was with me to settle and distract. Oh and maybe the nasty tasting complimentary wine on the flights helped as well.

We met the lawyer and it was nice to put a face to the voice that I have heard over the last six months. Our briefing went well. By this time my, “out to screw him and make him pay” thinking had faded into; “lets do what’s best for my kids”. Do I think John is “off”? Yes, but I believe God is bigger. I believe the almost year I have had to protect my children has been a gift. Perhaps now they are ready to stand against the manipulation and lack of moral boundaries they will be facing.

Kris and I checked into the hotel, made a few phone calls and left for dinner. It was my fist meal after a couple of days of fasting. Prime Rib, salad, veggies and another glass of wine. What more can a girl ask for? For the record, I don’t normally drink wine like a stinkin’ fish… but under the circumstances it seemed to be fitting. I think in all this, the part I truly have enjoyed was getting to know Kris. Her friendship has been a Godsend. It is amazing to me that God worked out every detail down to who would attend my final court day.

After dinner we went straight to the hotel, chatted a bit and went to bed by ten. My body alarm woke by 5:30am (we are an hour behind here) I was in the shower by 6am and we were out the door by 7:30 or 8am. We grabbed a latte’ and we were at the courthouse by 8:15. John showed up in the hall outside the courtroom. I glanced at him only long enough to see it was he and quickly entered the courtroom. My lawyer was with me and we briefed quickly and situated ourselves at the tables in front of the judge.

The battle was uneventful, which I believe for John was a huge letdown. I didn’t want the materials of the home, just a piano, guitar and some memory boxes. The rest John can have and will be his responsibility. I just really felt as though the material possessions did not matter anymore and I truly did not want the burden.

Okay. To be continued…
I must run an errand

Okay… errand is done; I am back to continue my saga:

In the beginning, 9months ago, everything was a battle. I fought for everything. My pain was so deep I just wanted him to pay for the pain he caused me. But, today I see Gods mercy on my life and it just does not matter anymore. My kids, they matter and what is healthy for them, this matters. John paying for what he has done does not matter because God has already taken care of that battle.

As for my ex, it was obvious to both Kris and myself that life has taken a toll on John. In his younger years, I even say up to a few years ago, he was full of life and energy. Today he looks very old, tired and depressed. He looks like a man who has lost it all. So do I really need to make him pay? I believe his life choices are taking care of that for me. If I were to take the “make him pay” path, it would only create an atmosphere of bitterness for me. In the end I would pay and my children would pay an even greater price. The greatest gift I can give to my children and myself is to handle myself with class and dignity.

So in the courtroom I held my head high. John did not have a lawyer, so he was allowed to cross examine me on the stand. I did not crumble as he tried to use his TV lawyer tactics on me. I simply stated truth to each question. He tried to appear “smart” but only made himself out to be a fool. I really believe it was a huge letdown for John when he realized I was not going to play the divorce game. I believe he came prepared to fight, he longed for the fight and I did not, I rested in the knowledge that God has it already worked out.
*******************************************************************

I sit now in the Portland airport. Kris and I await our final flight, which will bring us to Boise, my home. It was interesting to me as we drove through Klamath now nothing in me felt that this was my home. I simply wanted to leave. Boise has become my home! The life that has been created for me is the life I desire to continue walking out. When we were at court a part of me wanted to walk up to John and give him a huge hug and say, “THANK YOU!! Thank you for setting me free!” Truth be told, I would have never left John. I believe in marriage and I believe in the vows I took. I would have stayed forever but thankfully John left me and thankfully he was with another woman. All these circumstances played into my push to move and seek emotional stability for my children and me. So for these reasons I actually owe John quite a bit of gratitude.
***********************************************************
As we flew out of Klamath, the stale air, the small plane, the greasy food all took its toll on my stomach. I currently sit here fighting the worst stomach cramps and popping pepto like its candy! I don’t always openly express myself, so sometimes my body will tell me when I have had too much stress. I think this would be one of those times.
***********************************************************
We are now in the air over Portland leaving to return to Boise. I am flying home, returning to my life created by God, my husband my provider. Finally this situation is going to be behind me. I can now move forward. The kids will have visitation with John this summer, but I know it is all in Gods hands.

I left for Klamath to create closure. This happened on so many levels. It was more than a day of court. It was a flight to freedom.

2003-06-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

I was listening to this song today. These writers, Ben Moody and Amy Lee, wow! I could quote every song on this Evanescence CD and find great soul searching significance. This song seemed fitting for what I have been writing about as of late.
my immortal

my immortal
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

© 2003 Wind-Up Records

2003-06-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know how accurate this seems after what I just blogged moments earlier... but
I had to post this one.. b/c I am curious what you are my cult following ....

You are Psalms.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-12T18:49:00.000-07:00

As I sit here tonight I have a touch of anxiety, a little anticipation and lurking in the background...an uncomfortable peace. How is this possible you ask? Peace and uncomfortable usually do not coincide. But I have to admit that this knowing, that no matter what happens in court on Tuesday, God is in control and ultimately will direct my steps is a bit cumbersome. I am quite use to my life of upheaval and chaos and often find myself looking for the evil that is waiting to ambush me as soon as I turn the corner. I believe that at times I have felt... times of peace are simply the pre-cursor to devastation. I have matured in this area, a little, not much, but hey it is improvement. I have even seen myself trying to create sabotage in order to get the devastation over with. When you are abused, this is the cycle of event...abuse, morning after honeymoon phase, the wooing phase leading to tension which eventually brings us back to abuse. I lived this way for 18 years with my Father...could explain a lot now couldn't it ? My point behind my complete psychological 101ism is this, I have memories of being in the tension phase with my Father and deliberately pissing him off so he would hit me, get it over with, so I could get back to the honeymoon and wooing stage. I see this pattern of abuse still existant in my life today. Only my Father is hundreds of miles away. Yet the taste of , " even though today was a great day...he may come home totally pissed off, for no apparent reason and well...I just better be prepared for the worst, even on a good day" , still lingers in my mouth. The shadow of evil always looming even in the midst of great light and freedom.

So what is my point? I don’t even think I have a point tonight. I just know I am sitting in my wonderful home, blessed with a great car that I don't have to fear is going to break down once a month , and I work with the most wonderful group of people that allow me to still be a Mom to five of the most amazing children I have ever seen and yet... and yet...well... it can't last forever now can it? He will eventually come home angry, he will eventually hurt me physically or worse emotionally and... he will eventually leave. Now you ask, are we talking about my Dad, or are we talking about my soon to be ex-husband? Hmmmm, the plot thickens. You now see my most interesting conundrum, (and yes I actually do know this word, no thesaurus needed thank you very much!)

In all this I do see that God has been faithful, he has never abandoned me. And in the midst of my greatest pain I have laid my head in his lap, cried and found great comfort. Logic states that he will always take care of me, that nothing will happen to me that I can’t handle, right? Well, you know what I have found?? I can handle a butt load of crap!!! And how much more does he think I can handle?? Ah ha! That is the fear! I would never compare myself to Job as far as his integrity goes, but in the story, just when you thought Job was done losing everything, he lost even MORE! OH, yeah, sure in the end it was all good and blessings flowed. But gosh, he really was at rock bottom. Sitting a pile of ashes with a bunch of friends throwing their psych 101 at him or the latest they pulled from Dateline or Oprah. I mean really, how much worse can it possibly get?? Epiphany!! My fear is this... I am not sitting in ashes! Therefor the grief will continue. My bad theology is this... I am suppose to be sitting in ashes, with everything lost in order for it to all end. But... maybe my "ashes" moment was 9 months ago? Maybe this is the blessing flowing part? Or perhaps even the "ashes" moment started long before 9 months ago? And the blessing actually just started 9 months ago?? Hmmmmmmm ?

I am actually having quite a bit of fun with this rambling non-sense. So back off critical people with no life of your own who like to berate my friends on Shout Outs!! And please, keep your 101ism to yourself. Hugs, kisses and kudos are all very welcomed, of course.

2003-06-06T18:16:00.000-07:00

Stole this from erik's blog page. I wanted to be as cool. Looks like I am. Although I think I would prefer to be Trinity... she was a bit cooler to me. Maybe I will keep taking the test till I land it! :) So to my cult following of three.. .take the test and post your results.

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-06-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

I have been inspired by my bro-in-law’s blog...mikes blog It is such a good expression of the Father’s heart for his children. As of late I have typed often of the feelings of being “husband-less” and how God has done a wonderful job filling that void in my life. I find myself praying… no talking to God in ways I thought never possible. Things like, “God… you have got to help me with this one. Teach me how to do this, I have never been so overwhelmed in my life. Rescue me, deliver me, and reveal to me how to live without a husband to take up the slack. Continue to give me the nurturing characteristics of the mommy I am, yet give me the strength and compassion that a Father would have or should have for his children.” This of course is just an example of conversations I have constantly with God. I honestly could not have gotten this far with out him. This example would be one from my most recent car journey today. All though these are constant prayers, I have to admit, looking over the past year of this journey… I would never go back.

Do you realize that I have prayed a simple prayer like, “God, my kids need to have a Father connection today. Could you send someone to teach them a new skill, like a Father would?” Then it never fails, someone, somewhere will fill in the gap. I can not even begin to express the wonderful friends and family I have.
When it comes to the day to day, I do not feel husband-less at all. When I moved, my bro-in-law, sister, and a friend moved my house for me. Then later stayed to set up my house so my kids could come home to everything in its place. The next Sunday my friends threw a birthday party for their daughter, (who is born on the same day as my daughter), and included my daughter in the birthday. Then later that day another friend spent a couple of hours teaching my kids to kayak! This last winter my oldest daughter learned to ski… because a friend took her. My children never lack for clothes because if they even looked somewhat “needful” my mother would quickly take them shopping and get them what was needed. It has even been as miraculous as…one month I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay a couple of my bills. I was short 200 dollars and again found myself praying for God, my “husband” to step in and help this family. That same day my sister’s valentine card came in the mail with… you guessed it.. 200 dollars exactly. It really has been weird. My house, my car, my job and on and on and on are all because of the hands and feet of those who have been physical extensions of Gods grace and mercy on my life.

Am I deserving?? No, I am not. I just believe there is a God who really wants to love us and in our desperation we want to let him.

~In my time of pain, finally I hear.
In this state of brokeness I feel you pull me near
I never want to forget what you have done for me
And as this pain subsides may I always heed
To the calling of your voice reminding again
That first, I am your bride.

So thank you for loving me the way that I have dreamed.
Providing and protecting me always
For the first time I am seeing the way it was meant to be
Your heart's desire given eternally~

2003-05-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

Well, the children are back. I have learned that love apparently can be bought. Yet, somehow I believe my children see through the hype and excitement of spending sprees. I believe it could be the lack of true connection and the multiple phone calls to the new girl friend. Or perhaps it was the phone call mid-weekend to me, when my son tried to run away from his Dad and wanted to come home. Or maybe it was the fact that he cut his visit 4 hours short so he could get home to the new girl friend. Basically… I believe he realized that raising five kids alone is not as easy as it looks. I think that by the end of the weekend, he was done, ready to go home. So, to sum up the events… the kids went, they saw the good, bad and the ugly. They learned that it is okay to love Daddy, mom won’t be mad about that. Yet, they saw first hand that maybe it is good to have a Mom who desires to provide for them. Point: they are all happy to be home.

~ My Father, I thank you for your protection, your wisdom and a little blue pill that helped me not throw up when I dropped my kids off.~ Amen

2003-05-23T22:41:00.000-07:00

Well... the drop off/ pick up went well. It is odd for me to see myself as one of these divorced parents that exchanges at the closest McDonalds. How in the heak did this happen??
Good observation of my drop-off, I was less emotional than I thought I would be. And seeing my ex did not stir all those lost dreams inside my minds eye. In fact I felt nothing really for him. Maybe a touch of compassion because he does seem very lost, but not enough to want him back, or desire to "fix" him. It was a great feeling to hold my head high, encourage the kids to enjoy their visit and then simply get in the car and leave. I faced what I never thought I could face and I didn't lose it in the car as soon as they drove away. I suppose that odd peace showed up again.

So tonight...and the rest of the weekend. I pray and pray and pray some more. Utimately what I want is the greatest, healthiest children possible. God knows the best way for this to happen. So I will trust him, at least for the next five minutes. :)

~Thank you for you for your peace... thank you for your protection... thank you for you wisdom...thank you~

2003-05-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

Okay… it’s over. I am upset, not because of the outcome, but because the system sucks! The judge just looked past the psychologist suggestions and pressed on with her own agenda. Not even answering my question about, "why do I have to take the children outside the Idaho border so he can avoid his warrant, only to have him bring them back into Idaho for his visitation?" And I would have loved to have asked further… so then, if he is able to come into Idaho now why couldn’t he have come into Idaho for the past 8 months to visit his kids? This guy is so amazing; he should have been a politician I swear. The way he can spin a story blows my mind! And how are my kids going to turn out with this sort of influence in their life?

Okay… so now you are clearly seeing, that I am not a great woman of faith after all.
God gave me a peace before the hearing… the court spoke… and now I am a mess, some faith.

~May your will be done~

2003-05-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

I only have about 10 minutes before I have to join my lawyer in the courtroom, via phone. It is another visitation battle, a continuation from my previous blog. I do have a certain eery peace that has come over me in the last few hours. I think I am finding that truly my desire is to have a healthy Father in my children’s life. So if I walk in the understanding that God is in control of the fate of my children then there is no need for worry. It is the security of my kids that is most important, not what has been done to me.

~God, my Father… may your will be done~

Amen

Okay... I am in the court room now... say a prayer

2003-05-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

Okay... I have a little time on my hands, so I will blog. Well, technically I should be sleeping, but what is sleep really? :) I will tell you after only getting about 4 hours sleep total for an entire weekend, my skin is sure telling me there is such a thing as beauty sleep, WOW! I need some of that tonight.

My week has taken a total shift, after weeks of preparing my kids for a visit with their Dad; it looks as though he may flake. I am really in total disbelief because I think I still secretly hope that he is not the man that I am beginning to see him as. And I guess I secretly hoped that he was not the man others warned me about and knew him as. I mean really, how could I possibly be this stupid? Why did I marry this person with so many issues? Did I love him, or feel sorry for him? And if I love again, will it be real? Or will I make the same dang mistake again? These silent struggles, now not so silent, that jump in and out of my brain lead me to believe that being alone is really the best way… because God truly will never let me down… so why take the risk?

I would never expect anyone to understand my frustration, because it is my path. And whether I did a good or bad job, somehow I feel like it is leading me closer to him.

But for tonight… I grieve for my children. They really may not have an active Father in their life, wow… I really could have never imagined this for them… I am floored.

~Father, protect my children. Guard their little hearts against bitterness. Help them find a way to love in-spite of this great pain. Bring their earthly Father into your arms so that they can have the man in their life they so desire. Give them their hearts desire.~

~Amen~

2003-05-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

It looked like half my blogs disappeared; I'm checking it through the back door. hmmmm?

2003-05-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

No one knows my silent struggle,
My deepest pain within
To be alone and satisfied,
Loosing everything to win

To see the past and let it go
Praying for their shattered souls
Holding only to the here and now
Relinquishing control.

(chorus)
I want to be Yours
I want to be Your bride
Consume me, inspire me
Permeate this barren land where I reside

(verse)
You are my prince
Who has come to rescue me
You are my love, here to set me free

So I give You
What no one else has seen
The shadowed expectation
Of everything I need.

2003-05-11T02:22:00.000-07:00

I need to apologize for a few of the typo's that appeared after I posted my last blog. I am just really too tired to continue looking for them. The computer changed my commas and my quotes into jiberish. Oh, well...

Oh, and for the record, in my last blog, when I mentioned a man looking at woman lustfully or a woman flipping someone off, i wasn't trying to dart my responsibility for my actions. When I re-read my blog, it sounded funny to me. Anyway... I am rambling... I am soooo tired! goodnight!

2003-05-11T01:53:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I have typed out a few words on this blog, so tonight I will take a little time.
I suppose a myriad of emotion is pumping through my mind at this moment. I have pure excitement due to the move we will be making in two weeks. And yet, I still have to fight the fight and I admit I am tired. Some days I feel like,
"they just don't get it!" I mean, I am literally stunned by our court system! And I suppose the lack of concrete lines drawn in the sand does not help. How is it that we sit around as a society and look at man¡¦s detrimental behavior and turn a blind eye? Then in the same breath we will sit bewildered by the murders of the innocent, sickness of the perpetrators and the decline of our leaders? What has happened to the Golden Rule, the Ten Commandments? I am not talking about the man who slips up and looks lustfully upon a woman, or even the woman who looses her temper and flips the guy off in traffic. I am talking about the blatant or perhaps flagrant decision to consciously walk out of the presence of God.

I suppose I write with more of a question than any sort of answer. I suppose that is always how I write since I truly have no answers to speak of. The question being, is there a measuring stick to sin? I was raised to think that stilling the candy out of the store bin was no less of a sin than the man breaking into the house down the street. Sin is sin and they all lead to death. Okay, even as I type I see a little bit of a light peeking through. I suppose the young boy who is not taught that stealing the candy from the bin at the grocery store is wrong behavior, perhaps he will eventually begin stealing more and more, to the point of spiraling out of control. So in this sense, the idea that sin is sin no matter the extent to which it is carried out, does make sense. However, I do believe that we are missing a major piece to the mystery of the decline of our society. It is my opinion that it is not a mystery at all, but is staring us point blank in the face, and we are choosing to overlook it.

Lets take this Scott and Lacy situation which just took place a few weeks, or months ago. He is a normal looking guy, intelligent, hard working, with a supposed great marriage and a beautiful baby on the way. Yet, lurking underneath is a whole different world. Underneath is cheating, deception, lust and murder. I am wondering, since we know that sin leads to death, is it possible to see a person struggling with lust or stealing and recognize those behaviors as a danger sign for potential futuristic danger or destruction?

In my life alone, I have watched two men, who first only struggled with pornography, eventually leave a wake of destruction behind them. With one, the pornography led to violence and then eventually into explorations with child pornography. This man has attempted suicide a few times and is on his third marriage. His last known battle with child pornography was around 3 years ago. My second personal experience, with a man who merely struggled with pornography, proved also to have had issues with stealing large amounts of money and eventually was caught in a web of deception, more than a few times. Leading to the final blow where he lost his entire family.

Okay, from this, let me take a side step for a moment. We are all born into sin and we know quite well that none of us are without sin. That being true, I also know full well that I sin on a daily basis. I say thing wrong, my thoughts are not always pure, in fact just the other day I have a fading memory of flipping the truck off who cut me off on Chinden road. Let me just tell you, it was not some little discreet flipage, it was full on birds flying both ways, and words mouthed to boot. I felt so guilty about it that I literally felt nauseous the entire day. Today I feel okay; at least I can type it out with out my stomach doing a back flip. I suppose the incident has helped me slow down a bit, and I don't mean speedometer wise. I mean, just taking a breath and realizing nothing is THAT big of a deal.

Now, to step away from my moment of confessional and back into my point. Is the sin I was just mentioning the same as the man who murdered his wife? Perhaps it is simply the point I was making earlier... sin left unattended, leads to greater loss and greater pain. Perhaps my sin, of flipping mister "cut me off on Chinden", left undone with out any concern or remorse, could eventually lead to more anger, more road rage and eventually I'm jumping out of my car getting ready to shoot the guy? Perhaps the greater sin comes when I no longer listen to the conviction that is laid upon my heart. Is that what grieving the Holy Spirit¡¨ means?

I have rambled on and on and really have made no sense at all. I suppose a letter I just received by the 13th judicial court concerning my own personal battle triggers me. I am aghast and disappointed with our judicial system. Money is flying out the windows to support research that will bring understanding to the decline of our Nation. I believe the answer lies in the bringing about accountability to the smaller issues. It means going back to the basics and teaching children that small white lies grow into big ugly lies. Yes, Christ died for my sin and if it were not for him I would be dead by now. But can't I at least be intelligent enough to know that little lies grow into big lies? Can't I see that violence leads to murder, pornography leads to molestation, rape and eventually death? That sleeping around will bring up my chances to contract Aid, STD's and basically the all around destruction of my own self-image and confidence. That being controlled by any substance poisons my body and destroys my life and the lives that surround me. Is it okay? Is it okay to desire for my friends and family to keep an eye on me, help me and lovingly keep me accountable? And is it okay that if I choose not to listen to the accountability that has been gifted to me, that I then choose a life of imprisonment, whether that means physical or emotional I would not know. Do I have to land in the gutter before I listen, or can I be forced to listen?

These are all just random thoughts and as you see many random questions. Tonight I think our system and our governmental accountability SUCKS! Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently.

~Clear my mind Father. Let me rest in You, knowing that everything eventually must answer to You. You are in charge, not me, not those I feel have wronged me and not the court, it is You~

2003-04-30T23:51:00.000-07:00

Today, when I picked up Haven from preschool, I found a little blue note in her cubby. The little note explained that the children at the school would be making cards and sending flowers to a little boy who attends the preschool. The note further explained that the little boy’s Father had passed away. This little school is small, and I am certain I have greeted this boy a dozen or more times. My heart sank at the thought of this little five-year-old boy missing his daddy. The teacher could tell I was stunned and that I was trying to bring forward a memory of which child he was. So the Teacher kindly explained who the boy was and that his Father was one of the men who was shot this last weekend. Until that moment, that story I saw on the news was just another sad story. The men, in my limited perspective, were two drunken’ idiots who got in a fight with a third idiot and got themselves killed. How callous I’ve become growing up in a society where seeing death, or hearing about death is just another passing event. It never occurred to me that one of those men had a child at home, waiting or even excited about seeing Daddy the next day. Haven’s teacher said that this little boy’s Father was a nice man, but was also an alcoholic who fought this battle daily. I bet this man never even thought for two seconds that his struggle for sobriety would eventually fail, and he would die in this way, leaving behind his precious son.

In the same breath I reflect on my own children, and the incredible void that is in their life now. Daddy is not physically dead, but the hero has fallen and left a gapping wound that will take years to mend. I see each one of my children trying to find their way, struggling for identity, wanting to love the man and yet hate what he is doing. It is hard enough for an Adult to come to terms with this dichotomy, let alone an innocent child who longs only to love. I have one child who would rather go on blindly learn to except all the negative behavior as normal in order to continue having the Hero type Father she longs to have. And on the extreme opposite side I have a son who sees life as black and white, there are no gray areas and refuses to even acknowledge his Father as his Father. And with all this they both have to except the everyday normal challenges of growing up and becoming teenagers. The pain that I see in my children’s eyes on a day to day basis is insurmountable. And perhaps I am becoming more and more, or should I say, less and less gray myself. Not that I am becoming perfect, but maybe more so, I am done prevaricating. My husband’s gray areas have cost this Family a great deal. And my constant covering of those gray areas have cost us even more.

When I read, “Friends Stab You in the Front”, it grieved me. It grieved me not because I’ve never had this type of friendship... but because I have had it... and ran from it. All along the way, I have been given the gift of honest friends who saw things in me, in my marriage and in our life as a family. Many times I have had beautiful friends, lovingly approach me, with warnings about things that they saw occur. Every time, I would run, wounded, ignoring all the wisdom that was being poured out. I would pray that God would protect my family and me from them, as if they were the enemy. Now here I sit…
The beauty of this revelation in my life is realizing, “wow, I really screwed up”. And now, I have been given a second chance to make it right. Leaving myself open, vulnerable like a neon sign flashing, “Go ahead, tell me what you really think”. Slowly friends and family are sharing with me their true thoughts and feelings about the past. And even today as they began to share, a part of me wants to stop them and say, “stop! Don’t say it, it might hurt”. Then I remember, “no, been there, done that, didn’t work”. What is interesting is, as they share, I feel a release in me and maybe even in them as they realize that I acknowledge what I did as being wrong.

I guess I share all this because, for me, I am coming to terms with the fact that the gray really didn’t work. The gray was a trap and we need to acknowledge that there are some true black and white issues. Stealing is not a relative action, it is wrong. Adultery is not a relative action, it is wrong. And to choose to live in the thinking that grace and mercy will cover this…well, as with the story of the man who was recently shot, grace and mercy may meet him, but what a heavy price to pay to continue down a destructive path. And who really pays the price for this mans mistake? The innocent, the little boy who will return to school tomorrow wondering, as he watches all the other children play... is it okay to be happy today?
One of my husband’s favorite songs just before he left us is by Creed. The song says,

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
Written by Tremonti/Stapp Published by Tremonti/Stapp Music
(Adm. by Dwight Frye Music, Inc.)/Dwight Frye Music, Inc. (BMI)
Produced, Engineered & Mixed by John Kurzweg, Kirk Kelsey and Creed

What a frightening reality.

~Please, help me get to and stay on a path that leads me to you~

~Amen~

2003-04-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

Thank you God, my Father, my friend for giving me such a beautiful net to fall into. Thank you for showing me your love through my family and friends that surround me. Thank you for meeting my needs, even the silliest ones. Thank you for taking care of my children and giving me the ability to buy shoes, food, paper, crayons, band concert clothes, toilet paper, soap, bike tires and on and on and ON! Everything we've needed or thought we've needed you have graciously given. I ask that you would bless those who have helped my family, whether it is through prayer or through the physical needs, beyond what even my mind could imagine and ask. Thank you for your wisdom to guard and guide my words regarding issues with my precious children. Let me be a living, breathing example of who you are and who you long to be in their lives. Pour your mercy and grace over my family, covering the mistakes that I have and will make. You are the head of this house Lord. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you

2003-04-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a VERY challenging day. I often feel horrible to even complain about my life when clearly others are facing insurmountable difficulties that far surpass my own. However, if there were difficulty to be mentioned, yesterday would be in the top 20. You know “the call from the school” difficulty. I received the call early morning at work from the school counselor. Apparently a fight broke out on the bus between my two beautiful children. There were tears, words and another girl, a friend, (that shouldn’t be her friend), of my daughter hit my son. After the phone call from the school I was terribly sad. Usually these things I can take in stride, but this hit me hard. Then later that day, as I was doing some errands for work, it hit me! I don’t have a spouse to bounce this ordeal off. I remembered another reason I enjoyed being married. When tough times happen with the children you call you husband and say, “what are we going to do?”
As I thought about this I felt a bit angry. I remember hitting the steering wheel as tears welled up in the eyes and saying, “DAMN IT GOD! I am sick of this! What am I going to do?” As soon as I heard myself say, “What am I going to do?” I stopped. It was as if I could hear God speak and say, “you mean what are we going to do?” This paradigm shift is not an easy one. I am alone… but not alone. I have lost my husband and the fantasy family I thought I had, but I have gained truth and a real understanding of who God wants to be in my life.

Needless to say, God, again, was my Husband in great time of need. My children learned an incredible lesson, which turned into a great gift throughout the night. Conversations about consequences and respect and family and on and on and on. The night ended in prayer about change, the morning began with prayer about my two children’s relationship. As for the other girl, the one who hit my son? Well... as it turns out my son became the hero because she was suspended for two days. Apparently this is something many of the older children in his junior high wanted to see happen. So as he walked down the halls yesterday he received many “high-fives” from the teen-agers that were more than thrilled with the outcome.

Thank you God for your constant wisdom in my life and the life of my children. Thank you for being the head of this household. I truly could not make it without you! I love you

2003-04-24T07:21:00.000-07:00

I was lying in bed this morning remembering the days of High School. More specifically I remember being 17 or 18 and people would ask me if I was a Christian. My answer was always a smug, “if you mean it as follower of Christ, then yes, or I would simply say, no I am a Protestant”. By this age I had been inundated with Sunday School teachings, 1000’s of Salvation sermons, and I watched Pastors and Elders preach Hell, Fire and Brimstone at the top of their lungs, while their homes slowly fell apart and eventually many of them fell themselves. It was also a time when very well known TV evangelist were falling off their pedestals, and it wasn’t “too cool” to be known as a Christian. I graduated from High School with this type of thinking. Had an unforgettable summer, actually, forgettable, lots of alcohol, lots of puking and lots of stuff I wouldn’t even share with my cult following. I write this time-line because I am amazed at the point where I joined the ministry. After this wild summer of 1988 I joined my parents in Elko, Nevada, (we refer to it as hell), went to a community college, worked at the Holiday Inn. I met my husband, who was planting a church with three other men and that church was meeting in one of our hotel banquet rooms. We were married by the following April of 1989, whew!

By the following August of 1989, one year after graduation, still questioning my belief in God, church and especially church people, I was married, pregnant (oh…did I mention that?) and now I was the “on staff” reigning youth pastor along side my new husband. CRAZY! I think all of this is swirling in my head due to the fact that I was studying Calvinism last night. Trying to read the pro side and the con side to this belief. A man I met with yesterday is a Calvinist and spoke to me as if I was also a Calvinist. I was clueless and thought I better figure out what in the heck a Calvinist actually is. I decided last night I am not a Calvinist, but still left a bit unclear as to what I am. Last nights study did however stir up many thoughts and memories about my religious journey. I did read a few of Tom Wright’s writings as well. I like a lot of what he has to say, except for his whole theory on end times. I kinda like my childhood version of being swept away at a moment’s notice, so for now, I am sticking with it.

Another memory that struck me this morning was sitting at the Boise Vineyard and listening to Tri teach about who we are as a church. One of the words he used was Charismatic Evangelicals. I remember being thrilled with the word, and thrilled with the answer I could now give to that old haunting question, what are you? I now knew…”I’m a Charismatic-Evangelical”. No longer would I have to say the word Pentecostal, or Protestant or even Christian for that matter, I could say “Charismatic-Evangelical”!! With this word I could finally have an identity I felt comfortable with. I believe in the gifts of the spirit, and I want to share the gospel with the world in a way that is relevant to my community. But… today I sit at this computer, 33 years old, and again asking the age-old question, “who am I?”

Yes, yes, yes, I know I love Jesus, remember I used that one since I was 18. But there is this little thing inside me that still wants to know more. Is it pure humanistic behavior, the desire for knowledge and answers that I am feeling? Or is it God given, built in created desire to push me forward to bring even more intimacy with my God and Creator? I understand that my place in life and the changes in my life will create a desire to rethink everything!! So maybe that is what this journey is? But it was odd to talk with this gentleman yesterday, and have no clue what to say except for to nod politely as if I completely agreed with him. I must say, however, even now after knowing a bit more about Calvinism, I will still continue to nod politely as if to agree.

Okay, I am done with my random thoughts that I may or may not agree with later. I do like this journey, because someday I hope to look back and say, “hey look, I’m not at that place anymore, I grew a little”.

2003-04-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here in my daughter’s room, she is rehearsing her sweet song that she will be performing for the talent contest. The lyrics say,

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthy list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

Copyright/Label: by Nichole Nordeman 2002 Ariose Music

I have to say, to hear my little girl, (who is not quite as little as she once was, she's almost as tall as I am), sing these lyrics swells me with pride. I often think of the suckey life my family experienced, abuse, poverty, divorce, death... but then... I think, I still love Jesus! My sister, (my one and only sibling) is still in love with Jesus. Something was absolutely VERY right.

The other day, my sister and mother were sitting in my office singing "The blood" in three-part harmony, just like the old days. Being raised in a small Pentecostal church you had to be prepared at all times for an impromptu old gospel song. I could almost feel the people in my office cringe. In my opinion the movement today is to get as far away from that as possible. To the new generation christian many of those ol' time gospel days were fake, performance, religious. And you know what, many times they were. But, many times they were not, many times they were filled with tears, brokeness and sincerity. Like the times I would lay myself on the altar, weeping for my family and their healing. I have memories of inviting Jesus into my heart after a puppet, Mr. Bibikins, told the story of salvation in my Sunday school class. My parents bought me a hand made sock puppet, (sold by the ladies in the church to raise funds), to memorialize the event. My parents were Brother Jerry and Sister Brenda, we sang, danced and used the tambourine more than it was ever intended or needed to be. I mean a tambourine with Amazing Grace... well, you get the picture. For years I fought my heritage, was even ashamed of my heritage, but not today. Because today I realize that yes, parts of it were highly dysfunctional, but parts of it taught me to love Jesus more than any other five-year-old typically does. And yes, my family was dysfunctional, yet, I remember seeing my mother in her room praying and weeping by her bedside, loving Jesus.

My point is this, if when I am old and gray, and all my children love Jesus, then, I've done more than okay.
And whatever Jesus path you pour yourself into, let it fill more than your mind,
May you look in his eyes and hear him say, well done good and faithful one.

2003-04-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hello world, from my HOUSE!!
Yes, it is true, Melody is now officially connected to the WWW via her home computer, compliments of the Krause house.

I am so thankful to my sweet sister and my Bro-in-law for this great gift, I just had to let the world know. Which, by the way, my sister and I have figured out that our current Blog world consist of a whopping 4 readers. So to my cult following (Mike, Sheree, and Aunt Mary), I just want to let you know that the Krause's are a cool family and I thank God for them!!!!!

see ya later

2003-04-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, new day, new feelings.
I don't know who wrote the blog before this one? Wow, that girl has issues! But I'll keep it on the page just the same.

2003-04-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, that was sorta a joke for my lil'sis, this will be the real blog.
Last night as I laid in bed I kept thinking of the movie I recently saw, "Chicago". Some may take issue with it, I loved it, especially under the circumstances. I didn't relate to Roxie, more Velma, and the other woman was not my sister, but one of my best friends. In fact, my husband made a point to "do his thang" with two of my best friends, at separate times, at least that I know of, (little joke).
I am actually thinking about creating a separate blog, a secrete blog because I think some of the issues I am dealing with might to be too coarse for some of the people who possibly occasion on this site.

For example, one of my new found woes as a recently single person is that I run into a lot of arrogant men. It's as if they sense my situation and have the audacity to believe that they are so irresistible that my desperation sends me running to them. I feel it as soon as a walk into the room. They don't look me in the eye, they speak in short blurps of conversation. It makes me so sad because I had some really great male friends in Klamath Falls, some that I sang with in a band, one that I worked with day in and day out, and never did it cross my mind to be anything but wonderful friends. I hear all the time, "your vulnerable Melody, your vulnerable", yes this may be true, and the first single incredibly good looking man who gives me a second look, I may have a hard time not , well...looking back. BUT GET REAL all you married men terrified by a recently abandoned woman, you better deflate your self image a bit, because this soon to be single woman is not even looking your way. It amazes me that men who are married and adored by their wives somehow get the impression that there is this slew of women just waiting in line to get to them. And I have a word or two for you single men who I occasionally get a phone call from, or you strut past me every so often. Just because you are single doesn't mean I am desperate enough to want you! I realize I am a mother of five children, and it is tiresome, but I am not looking, GET IT! NOT LOOKING! So next time you walk past me, don't think for 2 seconds that I am sizing you up as the next father to my children. You are safe to just be a friendly person, no worries, GOT IT!
I say all this because at times I feel like I have a disease. I mean perfectly imperfect men, lacking in both beauty and personality will actually think that because of my circumstances I am going to , uh... shall I say...lay at their "feet" to try and get them to marry me. (Some of you will get that little joke). Let me just fill you in a bit, God is making a pretty great husband, and why in the heak would I want to screw that up?
And to all men in general, get over your self! I love you, you make wonderful friends, but I have no desire to try and steal you from your wife (for married men) or make you the father of my children. God is taking care of us just fine, and who knows... someday God may say, "He is the one" and release me to the man of my dreams? But when that day comes, that man will be single! he will love God with all his heart, he will pursue me to the ends of the earth to let me know he loves me, (and visa-versa), and he will love my children like they were his own.
WHEW! got that off my chest. Just another one of those feelings I think many women feel when they walk down this path of being alone, yet not alone at all.
I typed this out so fast it has many grammatical errors and more than likely it will be deleted later, so if you read it, please know it is exactly what I said, random thoughts that I may disagree with later.

My Father, my husband, my friend,
Let me always reflect you, and only you! Not a desparate woman looking for a husband!

2003-04-16T10:54:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmm
Well, I haven't had access to a computer for a while, so here it goes... days and days of pent-up thoughts and feelings. BLAAAGH! There it was, all over you, thanks for listening.

2003-04-04T10:58:00.000-08:00

Today I was listening to a song on the radio, I think it will be my theme song this week. Sorry it is not very spiritual, maybe even a bit on the vengeful side, maybe even extremely immature, but it is how I feel at times.

Fighter Lyrics

When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn't trust
'Cause your bluff time is up
'Cause I've had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out of shame,

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong
'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you're going around
Playing, the victim now
But don't, even begin
Feeling I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it's over
'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter
Written by: Christina Aguilera, Scott Storch

I've never really been a Aguilera fan, but the lyrics seem to really get me going some mornings when I don't even feel like getting out of bed. Then after listening to it I feel myself emitting a bit of negative energy, so I spiritualize it by listening to a little Jeremy Camp. You know... I love to write lyrics, but these songs reflect some of those general questions we all have when going through tough times.

Understand

Every time I fall down on my face
I see the one who bore all my shame

To know that you are everything I need you to be
You're my ever present help in time of need ,

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again

Every pain I feel inside my heart

It takes a faith I know I can't depart

To know that you hear every cry I raise to you

Bringing thoughts of hope the words I bring I know are few

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again

You hear me when I call
You're there when I fall
You hear me when I call

I know you understand it all
So why don't I get back on my feet again

Still, another fight, get up, make it song. Are you getting a picture of where I am in my life? hahaha

Then I sum up my listening session with one more thematic song called "Holy" by Nicole Nordeman.

Holy

How many roads did I travel
Before I walked down one that led me to You?

How many dreams did unravel
Before I believed in a hope that was true?

How long? How far?
What was meant to fulfill only emptied me still

And all You ever wanted…

Only me on my knees
Singing holy, holy

And somehow
All that matters now is
You are holy, holy

How many deaths did I die
Before I was awakened to new life again?

How many half truths did bear witness to
‘Til the proof was disproved in the end?

How long? How far?
What was meant to illuminate shadowed me still

And all You ever wanted…

Only me on my knees
Singing holy, holy

And somehow
All that matters now is

You are holy, holy

All I have is gratitude to offer You

I know this is a cheap way to do a blog, copy and pasting lyrics. But I really felt these lyrics are somewhat of a painting of where I am. Sometimes my words are meaningless, in fact... most of the time. Sometimes someone else can say it a lot better for me.

2003-03-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

I have recently added shout outs to my board. I didn't do it at first out of extreme insecurity, the fear that people may tell me what they think. But as the days wear on, I see the incredible hand of God reaching into my life. Daily I am seeing that people and what they think of me means absolutely nothing, and yet people and what they think of me means entirely everything.

During a counseling session I had a couple of years ago with a completely incompetent "I don't have a degree, but I am called to counseling" pastors wife I heard these words, "You will never make it on your own, come on Melody, you can't leave your husband how will you survive with 5 children on your own. Besides, you love your husband you really don't want to leave". She was right about one thing, I do love my husband, I am terribly sad that he has chose another woman, another family, another life. But how wrong she was that I shouldn't leave and that I would never survive. My husband needed a line drawn in the sand years ago, but I was too scared to draw that line. Perhaps he would have changed and turned from his lifestyle if I had the strength to say, "we can't live this way anymore, I won't live this way anymore". My blame and guilt game is a whole separate issue, I'll save that one for a competent accredited counselor.

My point in this little blog is this. I don't care what people think, because I am seeing how God is really in charge of my life. And yet, I do care what people think because it is mans thoughts, opinions and helping hand that has been the key to my survival. The trick to all this, I am finding, is…who is wisdom, and who is misguided opinion? And, how can I discern the difference? I have REALLY sucked at this in the past. I am hoping that I am on the right track now. It seems to me that wisdom follows a path of honesty, freedom, and integrity, maybe it is righteousness? Like I said, I don't have it all figured out quiet yet, but the random thoughts are beginning to make a little bit more sense to me, and are slightly less random. So, I say to the world, “SHOUT OUT, what do I care!”, well… I do care, so please be kind!!

2003-03-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

I am reaching, but I cannot reach you.
I am looking, but I find no one to trust
I am praying for something I will never have
I am watching reality turn to fantasy and finally to dust.

I am tired, but I survive beyond myself
I am fighting to wake up and take a breath
I am grieving in a way where imagination can be felt.
I am living for them; it is all that I have left.

If hope is for the hopeless, then this is what I need
And vision is for the believer; please tell me what you see.
My dreams are long forgotten; I am tired of pressing on.
Man lives in complete deception, silence is her song.

2003-03-24T13:42:00.000-08:00

I noticed something this week, something I thought interesting. My children understand being the church a lot more than I do. The lady I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, the neighbor, she has since moved. The night of her move my children ran to me and asked if I knew the neighbor was moving. I said no and asked them to see if she needed any help moving her stuff. Immediately my kids ran next door and asked if she needed any help, she said no, so they asked if her little boy could come to our house and play as she worked. She allowed her little boy to come over and the kids were thrilled to have him at their house to play.

I was amazed to see how quickly they all became acquainted. They played X-Box and gave him food, they even gave him a toy to take home. I was sad to think that we have lived here at least four months and this was the first time I have had this little boy over. I was even more disappointed in myself for not stepping outside of my boundaries and reaching out to this sweet family. When the mother came to pick up the little boy I greeted her at the door and wished her well in her new home. She began to share a little about herself and why she was moving. I couldn’t help but think that four months worth of opportunity dwindled down to an introduction five minutes before she drove off in the U-haul. It is hard to see the realities of shallowness in myself.

I was talking to a friend here at work and we were commenting on how people like to talk community so long as they are on the receiving end of the concept. It is so much harder to actually get your finger nails dirty and go help someone when they just need laundry done, or a meal brought to them. These tasks are so menial with little to no glory attached. Yet, this is the concept that will change the world, these are the true acts of kindness and love. How will they know us? How will people know who I love and serve unless I am willing to do the acts of love that truly represent him. What a pain it is to think of helping someone physically when I feel to tired to even help myself. Yet, I know at times it is the smallest acts of kindness that mean the most. Maybe having my neighbor’s son over was a small reflection of Christ. Maybe I need to be more childlike, less inhibited and more Christ-like. Maybe I should follow my children’s lead where every new person is another potential friend not convert. Hmmm…maybe?

2003-03-07T15:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it! I stepped out of my four walls and had church. Okay, okay, it’s not as exciting as all that, but it is a start.

Let me first give the background that lead to my great endeavor. Last week, around 11pm, I could hear the cries of a child through the thin walls of my apartment. At first I thought a child was being abused, and being the nosey neighbor I am, and thinking I may need to do something to help the child, I listened a little closer, (ear and cheek smashed against the wall). As I listened I could hear a mom saying, “get in bed and go to sleep”. Then I would hear the child scream, “NO, I don’t want to sleep here, I want to sleep with you”, and then the child would scream some more as the mother apparently left the room, this happened about five times in a row. The whole scenario disturbed me to the point of tears.

Although I don’t agree with the way the mother dealt with her child, I could relate to her exhaustion and frustration. After hearing that the child finally went to sleep and he wasn’t going to get beat, I went to my couch and cried and cried. DIVORCE SUCKS!! When I heard this neighbor struggle with her child alone, I kept thinking, “this is why God hates divorce!”. It is not right that this woman is alone, dealing with extreme circumstances, barely making ends meet. Where is her resting place, her place of comfort, a place beyond just survival? Once I settled down, I realized that my extreme emotion for this woman was birthed out of my own pain. Through the wall, I was listening to my alter-ego, the person that lies just beyond the calm. She was expressing the frustration that I feel at times towards my own children. A frustration that I vent through tears, at times isolation and writing songs, poetry or rambling blogs. Yet, not so far away is the screaming, the anger, and the neglect. Hearing my neighbor scared me and yet challenged me at the same time. I prayed that God would help me continue to be the mother I know I need to be for my children. Again, I gave my weaknesses to God and asked that he would help me through this transition. It was during this prayer time that I saw myself going next door and asking my neighbor if she needed anything, if she was okay. Quickly I brushed the thought aside, “nah, God wouldn’t ask me to interfere in this woman’s life, especially at this hour”. I was satisfied with my deduction and went to bed.

The next day I went to the Salvation Army Child Center to pick up my two sons. Who do you think parked right in front of me to pick up her son? You guessed it, my frustrated shadow of myself neighbor. I tried to avoid eye contact, I mean do you know what it could mean if I get to know my neighbor? SHE MAY NEED SOMETHING!!! I don’t have time for people who NEED SOMETHING! I have five children who need something everyday, my focus is on them and my daily battle of grief and survival, I have nothing left to give, right? Well, apparently wrong, to my surprise she waved, I waved back, she got in her car and left. Whew! No harm done, no commitment of friendship, no relationship sucking me dry. The next morning as I walked to my car with the kids...there she was, getting in her car, I greeted her with a quick hello and off I went, only to see her again at the school parking lot. By this time I am feeling a bit awkward. I have lived next to this lady for four months, I have barely even seen her, and now I am seeing her at every corner.

That night, after work, I drove into my parking lot, yes, right next to my neighbor getting out of her car. I grabbed up my kids, did the speed walk approach to our stairs. Oddly enough the neighbor was right behind us. OKAY, OKAY I get the hint, I am going to make an attempt to jump outside my own self-absorbed world and be the church. “You know”, I say to my neighbor coming up the stairs, “I live right next door, if you ever need anything, even if it’s just a cup of sugar (which currently doesn’t even exist in my home thanks to Atkins) you are more than welcome to bang on my door”. She smiled and softly said, “thank you”, then quickly went into her apartment.

Now granted, I didn’t stop and wash her feet, or invite her over for dinner (although, hmmmm, that’s an idea), but it was HUGE to me! It was simple, it was breaking something in me and it is the start of something more.

2003-03-04T13:58:00.000-08:00

On the sidewalks, your street corner
In the school room, your grocery store
You've walked by me a thousand times or more,
did you see me?

Did you see me? Did you see me?
I am the least of these,
did you see me?

In your churches, you're sittin' in a row
Singing and smiling , is it really just a show?
You were preaching my sermon, but what I want to know,
did you see me?

I am the hungry, thirsty homeless woman
I am the child left to die, in a barren land
I am the young girl on the streets, just trying to keep warm
I am the old man in prison, wishing he was never born
I am the least of these, I am the least of these...
did you see me?

2003-02-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

TGIF
A day in the life of the Gilmore household.
Wake-up at 6:30am, walk into the boy's room turn on the light say "good morning" in a sing-songy voice then let them meander to the showers. Go into Alyssa's room turn on the light and say,” good morning" in a sing-songy voice, walk out, 10 minutes later walk back into Alyssa's room, say "it's time to get up, get up, get up" again in a sing-songy voice. Take 2 Excedrin (for caffeine purposes only) drink some tea, again for caffeine, walk back into Alyssa's room and say, " okay, it is time to get up now" no sing-song voice offered. Alyssa meanders into the shower and begins the process that any typical girl at the age of 13 has tried to master, dressing to impress both mom and peers, quiet a tough thing to pull off. After tea and a little Good Morning America, my eyes are halfway open and I begin the process of dressing Silas, which in and of itself takes GREAT skill.

Silas, only being five has had a harder time adjusting to all the new changes. So I delicately get him up and out of his own little pup tent in my room, lots of hugs and smiles, I make eating cereal sound like the greatest thing since Disneyland. I get him dressed in the clothes we chose the night before, (he has to have the right clothes, very monochromatic). I then dig for socks in my pile of clean laundry for all the kids. This part I have not mastered the night before, since it does not seem to cause major Chaos in the getting ready process. After all this, I get myself ready enough to drive kids to school, (not a pretty site I assure you). Then around 5 minutes before I have to drop Silas and Joel off at their school I kiss the older kids goodbye then shove them out the door so they can get to their bus on time. Then in my remaining 3 minutes I dash to my bed where Haven sleeps, I dress her while she sleeps then I drape her sleeping body over my shoulder then say,"Silas, Joel, get your coat on hurry, hurry hurry". I then take Silas's hand and his backpack (which must be sitting next to the door, if it is not... Silas's desire to go to school will end in that moment).

Joel HATES being late for school, and being eight he understands that if he wants to be on time, he had better be quick to keep up with the momentum of the leaving process. Finally, we are in the van, on the road and at the school. Joel jumps out of the van, gives me a quick kiss good-bye, (a very quick kiss, friends could be watching), then takes off to class. Silas on the other hand will not leave the van until the first bell rings, then even after that I have to get out and walk him to his class with the sleeping Haven draped across my shoulder. After Silas is settled in his class I walk back to the van, Haven still sleeping on my shoulder. It is in this moment I take a deeeep breath, I look at the sun peeking over the mountains and I say, "Thank you God for helping me again... I got up, I am still breathing, I got 4 kids to school on time...I did it, we did it! Thank you!" I drive home, get myself completely ready, (a vast improvement), then Haven and I head off to work.

This was typed not as much for anyone else, although it can be interesting to step into a snapshot of another person's life, but it is typed so I can remember what this time in my life is like. A time where the simplest of things seem like the greatest accomplishments.

2003-02-26T12:22:00.000-08:00

Well, here it goes, random thoughts that perhaps could incriminate me later. And rightly so, if my deepest thoughts are deemed by society as criminal, then lock me up, please! It very well could be the break I need after being a single mom of five kids for the last four month, whew!

I suppose posting "Deep thoughts by Melody Gilmore" is a bit intimidating. I do journal in a book with paper and ink. It sits next to my bed and I can only pray that no one reads it till I am dead, (I think I'll turn that last line into a song). I am certain that every family member and friend would be offended by the contents of my journal. That is, of course, if they only read one page that happened to have their name on it and I was writing because I was totally pissed off at the moment. However, if they were to turn the page there would be another journal entry of how I felt conviction towards my actions and how "they were right and I was wrong, they are smart and I am dumb, they are good looking and I am ugly", (little piece out of the movie Happy Gilmore).

Strangely enough, I have not felt self-righteous enough to journal negatively about friends or family. I have read back through my journal and I see how many times friends warned me about the direction of my life. I thought they were so wrong and arrogant, and "how dare they interfere with my decisions". Now, I look back and I think, if only I had listened. So today I walk with extreme discernment. In fact, I probably drive people nuts looking for guidance and wisdom about the direction of my life.

My circumstances SUCK!! yet, oddly enough I feel privileged to be trusted to walk this path. My husband left me after 13 years of dedication and marriage, I have the full responsibility of our five beautiful children. I, who spent the bulk of those 13 years as a stay at home mother, am now trying to figure out how to support my five beautiful children. How awesome to watch the hands of God work in such impossible circumstances. While many others think about their wife or husband and how they can better serve her/him, I get to go to my heavenly husband and watch him move mountains.

Before my husband left, I would always say that my focus was on God. I believed that I put my trust in God and in God alone. But, lately these words have taken on a whole new meaning. Without my husband, I feel a bit un-done, a piece of my identity and my covering has left. I have two choices, the bitterness path (which I have placed a toe on here and there), or the God path. For some, this may sound religious, perhaps too heavenly minded to be of any earthly good. I am not saying that I walk around saying, "praise the lord, brother. Have you been in the 'word' lately? I'm all fired up about revival. More lord, more lord", and all the other christianese you can think of. I am not even trying to say that I am not consumed with worry. I am simply saying that Jesus has truly become my husband, how cool is that? I talk to him, I ask him to help me, to provide for me, to comfort me. I did this before, but now my life depends on him, literally, it would be death without him. I now see why women who are abandoned end up on the streets and their children thrown into the “system”. Without Jesus, and those who are listening and truly being his hands and feet, I would be that woman.

I am probably one of the most screwed up woman around (please, this is not a fish for complement. I know some people feel obligated to affirm a comment like this, these are just random thoughts, no need for affirmation). I don't know what in the hell I am doing, I live literally minute by minute and Jesus wants ME to be his bride!?! In fact he is thrilled that I am finally dependant upon him and him alone.

Jesus, my Father, my friend, my husband… thank you. With every thing that is in me, I thank you. Why you would choose to take care of me, I will never know. I just know that in the midst of my grief I am just beginning to see you for the very first time. I love you

2003-02-25T12:26:00.000-08:00

testing this out